I'm concerned that my daughter's grades aren't going to be high enough to get her into a good college. How big a role do grades play in the admissions process?

Grades are important, and most colleges use grades to initially determine an applicant's quality and desirability. Colleges may then look at the grades in combination with test scores (like the ACT and SAT) and leadership activities. The process actually varies from school to school; some colleges are more selective than others, depending on its entrance standards.

In any case, the schools to which your daughter applies need to be convinced that she can be successful there. Even if she was the president of every club or team in her high school, her ability to do academic work will be an important factor in determining if she is college material. So encourage her to continue to apply herself to her studies.

College academics are demanding. Any discipline for studying that she develops now will help her immeasurably when she reaches college—wherever she is admitted.

I was pretty excited when my son applied to my alma mater. I would've loved to see him follow in my footsteps. Unfortunately, he chose another university, which has disappointed me more than I expected. How can I get over the letdown and show my son support?

As disappointed as you are, you do have to "get over it," and shift gears to fully support your son in his choice. Talk with him and share your perspective. Tell him your plan to let it go, and to stand behind him in his decision. You want him to be free to make the most of his college experience wherever he is, not to feel weighed down by your disappointment. Be sure to communicate clearly to your son that, even though you're disappointed he didn't choose your alma mater, he is not a disappointment to you.

Then as he goes off to his new college, participate fully in the welcoming activities available for parents. Watch for attitudes and behaviors in your son that are evidence of his maturing and making good choices. Affirm him for those with all the enthusiasm and pride that you will genuinely feel!

My son is determined to attend a Christian university, but I can't believe how expensive they are! Is it really worth it?

Have you bought a new car lately? Then you know the difference between the "sticker price" and the price you actually ended up paying for your vehicle.

Stay in conversation with that Christ-ian university your son is considering until you get all the financial aid information and find out what it will really cost for him to attend. There are any number of scholarships and awards that may help to significantly "discount" the cost of his education.

You ask if the cost is really worth it. Absolutely! Especially when you consider what an investment Christian higher

education can be. To study with other Christians, under Christian professors, in the context of faith, and in the framework of a Christian worldview, is great preparation for your son's future as a follower of Jesus Christ. (See "Why It Was Worth It" on page 48.)

My son hasn't shown much interest in searching for a college. I've tried to encourage him to begin the process while at the same time trying not to nag him. How much should I push him?

I vote for "encouragement" over the "nag" or "push" responses. For some reason the possibility of college hasn't yet captured your son's imagination. It might be good for him to talk with some college students he respects about their experience at college. Their enthusiasm might be catching. It also could be helpful for your son to participate in life on campus through a campus visit. He'd be able to stay overnight in a residence hall, attend classes, meet with an athletic team, or pursue his areas of interest.

Could your son possibly be lacking confidence in his ability to "do" college? If so, his school counselors could talk with him about his grades and his abilities. They can help him come to a good decision about his preparedness for the academic challenges of college. It is important for him to be able to succeed if he does attend.

If for some reason college just doesn't seem right for him at this time, there are other options. He could work for a year and try an evening class or two as a part-time student. Or he might check into educational alternatives in your area such as a technical institution or a community college. After trying something like that, he may decide he's ready for a four-year college. But for now, undue pressure on your part may have the opposite effect from what you intend, so be cautious, be supportive, and keep listening to him.

If you can identify what is holding your son back, some of the possibilities I've mentioned may work for him. If he is not taking initiative, but isn't really resistant, maybe you could call some colleges and have them send him their most compelling marketing materials. They just may appeal to him in a way he can't resist!

I'm worried about my daughter's safety. How can I be sure her school is a safe environment?

Most college campuses are reasonably safe places, but no college can flat-out promise to keep your daughter safe. It is impossible for a school to guarantee your daughter's well-being. But there are things to look for that will help your comfort level. Ask for the crime statistics of the schools you are considering—including the towns they're in. They are required to make these reports available on request. These can be an indicator of how safe the campus has been in the past.

Also, ask about the school's security measures. Do they have security patrols? Are the residence halls locked to all but residents? Is an escort service available to take your daughter from her car in the parking lot to her dorm after dark? Government regulations require colleges to be attentive to the safety of their campuses. But there is no substitute for your daughter taking responsibility for her own safety, exercising appropriate cautions, and using good judgment.

How much should I communicate with my son when he goes off to college? I want him to know I'm interested in his life, but I don't want to smother him. How can I find a good balance?

No matter how often you communicate with your son, I don't think you can match the father who gave his daughter a "wake-up" phone call every morning when he arrived at his office—every school day morning for her entire college career!

If you and your son have had good communication thus far, you will be likely to continue a pattern that works for both of you. If not, this is an ideal time to work at finding the balance you desire. Ask him how often he would like to hear from you. If you wait patiently at first, without pressuring him for more, you may find that he'll start calling you because he wants to share the good things that are happening at school! The availability of e-mail and voice mail allow you to stay in touch, to leave messages, and to ask questions, yet be flexible and let him make choices about how and when he answers you.

Some students resent long calls because they take away from their studies or from their "hang time" with friends. So keep your calls brief. Doing so may actually whet your son's appetite to know more—and he may just be the one keeping you on the phone!

Also, let him know what's going on at home—even if it's bad news. In the case of a family emergency or tragedy, campus staff are immediately available to help a student deal with difficult or tragic news from home.

My son is making some poor relationship choices, and now that he's away at college, he's making decisions on his own. I'm really concerned. Is there anything I can do to help?

Maintain rapport and a connection with your son while he's away. Listen patiently and carefully to him. Allow him to share what is going on with his relationships and try to communicate that you want to trust his judgment.

If your concerns increase as you learn more, express those concerns and listen to his responses. Tell him you appreciate the opportunity to be honest with him about what's bothering you. Hope for and expect a mature and wise response. And of course, continue praying for your son, asking God to give him the wisdom to make good decisions.

My daughter says she wants to go to the college in our town and continue living at home, but my husband and I both believe that part of the "college experience" is going away to school. Besides, we were looking forward to a little more peace and quiet! Should we urge her to go away to school?

You have several options. You can allow her to stay at home for one year and then claim some "empty nest" time for yourselves. Or you can urge her to attend that local college, but make it feel like she is going away to school by having her live on campus. That way the security of "home" would be readily available to her, but she could begin to move away emotionally.

Then, of course, there is the ideal in your mind of her going further away to school. She may need to warm up to that idea, but there are ways to make that more appealing. Create some opportunities for her to go away from home while she is still in high school. Send her to a youth conference in another state, or to a weekend retreat with the church youth group, or to visit a distant relative by herself, or to camp. Another option would be to send her to one of those student leadership conferences that are held at many Christian colleges. Any of these experiences would provide a short burst of what it's like to live away from home.

If you sense she is afraid, try to help alleviate her fear. Listen for hints as to why she is hesitant to launch out on her own. Then help her create a good transition to more independent options, even if the transition needs to be more gradual than you'd like it to be.

Maybe her fears are about leaving high school friendships. If that's the case, your daughter may have to understand that her current friendships are likely to change, even if she attends the local college. Patterns of relationships shift, and past friendships are sometimes lost in the change of scenery. Going away to school offers her the option of a host of new friends. To some that could be an overwhelming thought—having to start over making friends. But to many young people, increasing their pool of potential friends is quite appealing. You need to be particularly sensitive to her needs right now, without sacrificing the needs that you and your husband have for some freedom.

But even if she does stay at home, take advantage of that by planning to travel more. At least you know you'd have a reliable and trusted "housesitter"!

I've been told that admissions counselors are pretty trustworthy, but isn't it their job to get my child to come to their college? Can we really trust them to be honest and not try to twist my child's arm to come to their particular school?

Colleges do not want students they have to drag there against their will! Admis-sions counselors want the best match between the school and the prospective student. Your child and your family are in the driver's seat on this one. You should feel like you're making a definite choice, not being pressured to say yes.

Admissions counselors are not headhunters. There is no bounty on your child. Rather, they are selling a product they believe in, which is the institution your child is considering. They share your desire to know if their college is a good place for your child.

Find out as much as you can about the schools your child is considering. Take campus visits and talk with students who attend there. And then establish a comfortable and genuine relationship with admissions counselors. If you do, I'm confident you'll get the facts you need to help your child make an informed, enthusiastic choice!

I really want my daughter to go to a Christian school, but she has her heart set on a state school. I don't want to force her to go, but I think it will be the best place for her. What should I do?

Before she makes her final decision, urge her to visit one or two Christian colleges. The schools just may win her over when she experiences firsthand the integration of faith and learning they offer and the environment they provide. Perhaps you know someone who transferred from a state school to a Christian school. Have this person talk to your daughter about why she made the change and why she values her Christian education.

It also might not hurt to have a talk about finances. Your daughter may believe she is saving you money by attending a state school—money that you, in fact, don't mind spending! Besides, with financial aid, it's possible for a private school to be easier on your bank account than a state school.

Even if she does choose a state school, she may end up deciding to transfer. But even if she stays, there are wonderful Christian organizations available on every campus to minister to her and to possibly draw her into ministry to her peers on campus. The Lord may be calling her to this state school to be salt and light, as described in Matthew 5:13-15. She may be doing exactly what God wants.

Pray for your daughter in her decision-making. What a privilege for you as her parent to ask God to light the path in front of your daughter and give her wisdom as she chooses a school.

Judy Moseman is Vice President of Student Life and Dean of Students at Bethel College (MN).

Copyright © 2002 by the author or Christianity Today International/Campus Life magazine.
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