The College Student Guide to Doing Laundry:

Step 1: Stuff dirty clothes into very large cardboard box.

Step 2: Toss in the strongest deodorizer you can find.

Step 3: Enclose following note: "Dear Mom, I'm down to a prom dress, swim suit and polka-dot pajamas. Please wash and return ASAP. Everything else is great. Thanks in advance, Your Favorite Freshman."

Step 4: Seal tightly with packaging tape.

Step 5: Write "DANGER! BIOHAZARD ENCLOSED" on the outside of the box.

Step 6: Send home to Mom.

Step 7: Go buy a whole new wardrobe because mom left the box on the curb for the garbage truck.

OK, so your mom's not the pushover you thought she was. So what's the alternative? Brace yourself, here come my most important words of wisdom:

Learn to do laundry.

There, I said it. When you come out of shock and start breathing again, I'll do my best to help walk you through this traumatic experience.

The main indicator Laundry Day was fast approaching on my campus: The girls started wearing grubby clothes and the guys began dressing up.

"Wow, Frank, nice suit," a typical conversation with my roommate would begin. "Laundry to do, huh?"

Conversely, whenever a female student dressed as if preparing for a fun-filled evening of weeding (read: normal-college-guy garb), all signs indicated a trip to the laundry room was imminent.

In other words, whenever a student runs dangerously low on regular apparel, it's time for laundry. I heard rumors of a few students who washed their clothes on a set schedule, as if they had a date with the washers and dryers every Thursday at 7 p.m. This is a far more responsible method—and one that keeps your dirty clothes mound from becoming Mt. Fiji. But I've never met any of those students.

When using college dormitory laundry rooms or the local Laundromat, you'll need to realize there is one major difference between the machines you'll use and your amateur, little-league washer and dryer back home. These are professional machines, complete with contracts and agents and washer-and-dryer unions, which is to say they won't even look at your clothes until you cough up the big bucks. Because of that, you need to plan ahead so that 1) you can budget correctly and 2) you'll have the right type of currency. You don't want to be stuck with dollars when all the dryer will take is pesos.

OK, not really. But some Laundromats or dorm machines require a pre-purchased card (so if it's 2 a.m. and you have only clean socks, you're in trouble). Some will have automated machines to dispense cards at any hour. And still others may only take quarters like back in the day when Abe Lincoln did his laundry. So, a word to the wise: Before you're down to only swimming trunks and a fuzzy reindeer sweater, find out what kind of payment your machines of choice require. And keep some pesos on hand just in case.

On your trips to the laundry room, don't forget to bring detergent (liquid or powder, no real difference), bleach (the toothpaste for your whites) and fabric softener/dryer sheets (one or the other). You noticed I said, "Bring." Don't buy them from those laundry room vending machines. Save money by picking up these products from the local supermarket. While you're there, go ahead and splurge. Buy a gumball. From what you've saved by buying these products at the grocery store, you can afford it.

As for those nasty stains from the most recent food fight or dorm football game, you'll need to work on them before you toss your clothes in the washer. So keep a stain stick or other stain remover handy. Don't forget that these products come with specific instructions. Yes, read the fine print.

Don't know what a stain stick is? Can't make your mind up between solid, gel or spray in that never-ending aisle of spot-removal products? Seek expert help. You got it: Call Mom.

Oh, one more Very Important Thing you'll need for washday: a laundry basket. And you wondered why Aunt Minnie gave you one for a graduation gift!

The next step in the laundry process could mean the difference between sparkling white and splotchy gray. Placing a brand new, brightly colored shirt into a steaming load of whites is a guaranteed step toward de-whitening. You might as well take the load and dye it along with your Easter eggs.

Separating your clothes into these four distinct piles can save you from such a horrible tragedy:

Whites: plain white clothing or sheets.

Lights: everything from patterned white garments to items in lighter shades, like pastels, khaki and pale gray.

Darks: dress socks, shirts, jeans, slacks—any bold or dark colors. Note, however, that new garments may still bleed onto other clothes. During the first couple of washings, these would-be bleeders may need to be washed alone.

Delicates: hand-knit sweaters, silk, satin, wool—these garments should be labeled "delicate" on the tag. (If the tag on the neckline or waistband doesn't offer this info, check for another tag on the inside seam.) And check that label carefully; it also may instruct you to wash by hand or dry clean. Actually, for college students, the tag should probably read: "This Item Best Left Home in Closet."

Before loading the machine, familiarize yourself with its settings. If you have access to one of those brand-spanking-new, top-of-the-line models, you can program your own special settings, like "delicates," "chili-cheeseburger stained" and "threadbare." More likely, though, you'll find yourself face-to-face with a relic that has confusing settings like "regular" and "permanent press" or "hot/cold," "warm/cold," "cold/cold" and "cloudy/chance of overnight showers."

Here's a simple key: Whites should be washed in hot or regular cycles. It's safe to say lights require a permanent press setting, which is warm/cold with a milder agitation cycle. Ditto for darks, unless they are especially prone to bleeding, which means you would want colder temperatures. When in doubt, the cold setting is your best bet. Clothes marked "delicate" should always be washed in a cold, mild cycle—unless, of course, they bear the "Dry Clean Only" or "Hand Wash" only tag. Of course, if you followed my earlier instructions, these special cases are hanging in your closet back home.

Two important tips you'll want to follow:

1) Don't stuff the washer. Clothes tightly packed in a washer do not get clean. Believe me, I know from experience. You'll get to read about it in my forthcoming autobiography, Brotherhood of the Stinky Pants.

2) Don't use too much detergent. Generally, fill half to three-quarters of the lid or cup provided with detergent—no need to flood the laundry room with suds! Also, pour the detergent into the washer before adding the clothes, unless the machine notes otherwise.

When in doubt, look at the instructions on the detergent container or consult the expert. And you know who that is, right? No, not Abe Lincoln.

Drying the clothes is the "home stretch" of the laundering process. Don't just toss those clothes in the dryer and think you're "home free." Make sure all the clothes that were OK to machine wash are OK to machine dry as well. If not, bust out that drying rack Mom sent with you. To help the dryer do its job, shake the clothes while transferring them, and be sure to clean the lint filter before pressing the start button.

And don't just crank the dryer up to the 45-minute setting and go out to play Frisbee. Depending on the heat setting you've used, you'll either come back to soggy clothes, or worse, a wardrobe replaced by miniaturized replicas of the clothes you put in. Also, don't leave brand new cotton garments on a high (hot) setting for the entire cycle. If you do, you might as well sell them as second-hand infant clothes.

Finally, to save yourself from hours of slaving over the ironing board, fold or hang the clothes immediately after the drying cycle ends. OK, let's be real. What's an iron? But if you leave those dry clothes unattended too long in a dryer or a laundry basket, you'll be walking around in stuff that looks like it was wadded up and stored in your glove compartment.

Great news—that's it. You're now licensed to launder.

But before I let you loose in the laundry room, a disclaimer: This basic tutorial won't cover every question encountered while cleaning clothes, such as:

"Suds have exited my machine and are taking over the entire dorm! How do I make them stop?!?!"

This is why, in case of emergency, I urge you to implement the following time-tested precaution.

Step 1: Always carry a cell phone during laundry excursions.

Step 2: Call Mom.

Copyright © 2008 by the author or Christianity Today International/Campus Life magazine.
Click here for reprint information on Campus Life.

Subscribe to Ignite Your Faith!

• Risk-free trial issue
• Give a Gift Subscription