Q. I am so excited about college, but I feel guilty about being excited. It seems like almost every time I walk past my mom, she's been crying. When I ask her what's wrong, she says something like "I'm going to miss you so much!" I don't think Mom wants me to feel guilty, and I know she wants me to go to college. But she seems so sad about my leaving home. Is there anything I can do to stop this guilt I feel? Is there anything I can do to help Mom get through this?

A Most parents have some difficulty letting go as their children grow up and move out of the house. Your mom loves you and she is probably struggling with mixed feelings—she's proud of you for getting into college, yet she wants you at home for a while longer. It's very understandable. In fact, most parents deal with these feelings when their children leave home. So take a little extra time with her, acknowledge that this is a difficult transition for both of you, and reassure her that you love her and will miss being at home.

Be very kind and understanding, but you don't need to feel guilty. You are following through on something that you and your parents have been planning for these last few years. They have dreamed of you going off to college—they are just shocked at how soon it happened. Move forward with confidence into the plans that God has for you. Look forward to your college experience. Talk about it openly and positively.

It's also a good idea to invite your mom along on some errands as you get things ready for school. Include her in your preparations—and not just by having her iron your shirts! Ask her opinion about what to take along. Give her hope by offering to call home and e-mail regularly. If you include your family in your news and tell them about what's going on in your life at college, it will help them feel connected with you. You might also consider inviting your family to campus for Homecoming or Parents Weekend. It could be fun for you to show off your new college "home." It will also comfort your mom to know that you're doing well.

Q I never dated much in high school and I'm wondering about the whole Christian college dating scene. I would really like to start dating, but have no idea what to expect. What can you tell me about dating at college?

A Dating is a possibility—but it's not the goal of a college education. If it happens, great! If it doesn't, wait. Get involved in activities you enjoy and get to know a lot of new people. Spend time finding out who you are and becoming a whole and healthy person. Then you have a wonderful self to bring to a dating relationship. Let the deep needs in your life be met by God himself. This is the best thing you can do to prepare yourself for future romance. Then, let any dating you do flow naturally out of your activities. Trust God for your future—whether or not it includes a date on Saturday night or a spouse further down the road. He wants what is best for you and it will be good. "'I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord,' plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" (Jeremiah 29:11, NIV)

Q My roommate is addicted to his computer. He's always online, sending e-mail, playing games or doing Internet research. He's even moved the computer into the closet so he can tune out the world and focus only on the screen. Should I try to do something about this or should I just live with it?

A Addicted" is probably the right word. Your roommate has become consumed by the temptations of being online. Even if he's staying away from the sexual temptations offered by the Internet, he's losing perspective on how to live well. Besides closing the closet door, he's closing himself off to healthy relationships and activities. His life needs balance.

Short of cutting the power, there are some things you might try. It's always a good idea to talk about your concerns with your roommate, no matter what the issue is. So tell him you're worried about him. If you want to bring in outside support, invite him to join you and some friends to do something totally unrelated to computers. You could even try to get him involved with others by asking him to share his expertise with computer-challenged peers. Maybe he could get a job in the campus computer lab Sitting at the "help desk" and providing service to other students would be so much better than shutting himself in the closet—and it might balance his computer needs with his need to relate to other people.

If you fail in your attempts to help him see beyond his computer screen, share your concern with your residence assistant or a student life or faculty person you know. They'll be able to check up on his grades and his health, and they've definitely got more resources for dealing with this problem than you do on your own. True addictions—whether they involve alcohol, drugs, food, exercise or anything else in life—should always be handled by professionals.

I hope these suggestions lead you to take some kind of action to help your roommate. You're right to be concerned.

Q My parents think they have my first-year living situation all figured out. Their plan: I'll move into my older sister's apartment! They say it will help save money, but I really think they expect her to watch over her little sister. She's always been called the responsible kid, and I'm kind of known as the wild child. I'm not that bad, but I just like to have fun. Now, I don't mind going to the same school as my sister, but I sure don't want to live with her and her roommate. How can I escape this little prison my parents want to put me in?

A Your sister may not like your parents' idea any better than you do, but feels pressure to comply with their wishes. If your sister enjoyed her freshman year in the dorm, then ask her to talk to your parents about it. Your sister can explain why living in the dorm that first year is good for a new student.

College is a time for establishing your own identity, for asking and answering questions about who you are. If you live with your sister, you're less likely to step out of your comfort zone and extend yourself into new friendships and new experiences. You will miss out on some growing up that comes from learning to live on your own. These are benefits of dorm life that you need to try to express to your parents.

Do you know how you can really convince them? Begin to be more responsible. Show them that you will be able to handle being out on your own. The "wild child" in you can mature and still have a lot of fun! Do what you can to earn the right to live on campus.

Q My best friend and I are going to the same college and we plan to room together. I was all excited about having my best friend around 24-7. But she just told me she's having second thoughts about rooming with me. She's not very clear about why, but she says she just doesn't think it's a good idea anymore. I'm really puzzled and hurt. I've heard that it's not always a good idea for friends to room together, but I don't think we'll have any problems. Should I try to talk with her about it? Do you think it's a bad idea for best friends to room together?

A I would definitely recommend talking with your friend. You don't want to lose a good friendship over this. Tell her that you've also heard that it isn't always wise to room with your best friend, and maybe you should have talked it over more before you made your initial plans to room together.

Suggest that you ask for rooms on the same floor. That way you will be close enough to spend time together and continue your rich friendship, but you'll each have some opportunities to branch out a little and enlarge your circle of friends. Because you know each other so well, you can still be an important part of each others' lives. But it's a good time to open yourselves up to others as well. Expand your circle of relationships and then introduce your best friend to your new friends. She can do the same and you'll both end up with double the friendships!

My advice: Start college close together but not in the same room. After a year or two you may decide to live together, but by that time you'll have lots of other people who will want to live with you too. Imagine yourselves as juniors or seniors in a townhouse or apartment on campus, living with a great group of young women you met during your freshman year—a year when you were willing to take risks and encourage each other to meet new people.

Q I've never been very outgoing and now I'm worried about not fitting in at college. Any advice for a really shy guy?

A First of all, you don't have to be one of those people who goes around the residence hall and introduces himself to everyone! So relax and plan to participate in the activities you're interested in. Gradually you'll be drawn into conversations and relationships with people who share some of your interests. Remember that everyone else is wondering if other people are going to like them and if they'll have any friends. They're just hiding it better than you are! At the very least, there will be other shy people. Be open and friendly. Greet people with a smile and if you know their name, say it.

College may be a great time for you to become less shy. You may develop new levels of confidence in yourself and new levels of comfort with others. Ask God to give you a genuine love for other people and think about how you can encourage others, building them up in their faith as Scripture calls us to do: "Encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing." (I Thessalonians 5:11, NIV) Everyone needs a friend like that!

Q I am so tired of high school games and cliques that I don't know what do to. As I think about college, I hope it's a place where I can escape this exclusive popularity club. Will I just be disappointed?

A I think a lot of students have had high school experiences like yours, and I'm glad you're looking forward to the opportunity to make new friends in college. Many people make lifelong friends during their college years.

You're right about one thing: College is a place where many people are open to broadening their circle of friends. Although no place is perfect—and there may be some cliques at college—I think you'll find people to be generally more open to new friendships.

As students mature they often grow in their understanding of what it means to be accepting and inclusive. Look for those students. They could become your new best friends. My recommendation? Be one of the students who is willing to extend yourself and include students who are different from you and your usual circle of friends. Appreciate those differences and don't let them get in the way of the possibilities.

Q My parents have decided that I have to come home every weekend during my first semester at college. I'm only about an hour from school, and it would be easy to get home. But I just don't want to miss anything at college. What can I say to convince them that college isn't just about studies, but also about all the fun stuff I can do with my friends on the weekends?

A It will be far easier to convince your parents that you should stay at school on the weekends if you show them that college is about studies first. Let them see how well you're handling the academic challenges of college life. Then describe some of what you and your friends do together when you have free time. Tell your parents how important it is to you to have spontaneous, down time with your friends on campus. Explain that the weekends are invaluable bonding times with people you're meeting. Those first-year friendships often form a foundation for lifelong connections.

It might help to know that colleges often recommend first-year students stay on campus without visiting home for the first seven weeks of the semester. This gives just enough time for the student to get involved in life on campus.

You can work this out with your parents. Explain what you want and why; be understanding of their feelings. Help them realize that the weekends are an important part of being in college. Come up with some kind of compromise that gives them something to look forward to. Look ahead and offer a weekend when you will come home.

Q I've been a Christian my whole life and I go to a Christian college, but some of the things we talk about in class have really made me doubt my faith. It's not that the profs aren't Christians, it's just that they ask some difficult questions about faith that I've never thought about and can't really answer. I'm starting to wonder if I even believe in God, or if my faith is just something I inherited from my parents. I don't want to lose my faith, but I just don't know what to do about all these doubts.

A What you're experiencing is actually pretty common among college students: You are in the process of making your faith your own. College is an important time for spiritual formation. It's also an important time for discovering what your faith means to you, rather than what it means to your parents or your youth leader. You are in a wonderful environment for asking and answering those tough faith questions. Be patient and take your time.

It is important for you to examine what you truly believe. You'll always have questions that don't have easy answers, but never stop asking them. As you seek—and sometimes find—answers to those questions, your faith will deepen and truly become your own.

You don't have to be ashamed of your doubts. And you don't need to struggle with them all alone. Talk about your questions with a faculty member you respect. If that's too big a leap for you, talk with someone on staff in your residence hall, a coach, a dean, a campus pastor or even a good friend. Meet with that person once a week or once a month to talk, pray and discuss the struggles and doubts you're experiencing.

Thinking about God in ways you've never really thought about him before doesn't necessarily mean you'll lose your faith. In Jeremiah 29:13, God says, "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." God is not threatened by your honest questions. He wants nothing more than to have a relationship with you, and no question you ask can change that. When you ask God to help you in the midst of your doubts, your faith will not be lost—it will ultimately be strengthened.

Judy Moseman is vice president for student life at Bethel College in St. Paul, Minnesota.

Copyright © 2004 by the author or Christianity Today International/Campus Life magazine.
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