Do you remember that scary feeling of walking down a school hallway surrounded by total strangers? Maybe it happened when you entered middle school. Or possibly those feelings hit you hard when you started your freshman year of high school. Or maybe you've been one of those lucky people whose close friends have been with you since grade school.

Whatever the situation, you will soon face a major change that means making a whole new set of friends. Don't panic. You can do it. But it won't just happen. It will take some effort and openness on your part.

To give you an idea of what to expect, Campus Life talked with a few college students who remember what it was like to be where you are right now.

Dedra Hansen remembers her own fears about starting college and making new friends. "I'd never really had a hard time making friends," says Dedra, a senior at Trinity International University in Deerfield, Illinois. "But this was a whole new ballpark. I was intimidated when I thought about the upperclassmen. I wondered if they'd like me or if they'd think I was stupid."

Thankfully, Dedra didn't let her fears keep her hidden away in her dorm room. Instead she took advantage of every opportunity to get to know people.

"I tried to meet as many people as possible," she says. "I went to all of the welcome activities they offered for the freshmen and tried to talk to everyone."

Dedra says it's so important to get involved right away. In her case that meant joining the gospel choir, the drama group and the powder puff football team. She says football was probably her favorite way to meet new friends.

Each fall many Christian colleges form a powder puff football league for girls. Each class—from freshman to senior—may participate.

Since her team practiced together every day for two weeks, Dedra was able to meet several freshman girls. "It was a lot less awkward than just walking up to someone and starting a conversation," she says.

And some really close friendships can happen when you simply choose to do something fun like powder puff football. Take Dedra's friendship with Kelly.

"We recognized each other from band practice and started talking," Dedra says. "Both of us were a little concerned about the demands powder puff was making on our time. We wondered if we'd be able to balance everything."

Those conversations led to more conversations, which led to a growing friendship between the two.

"During powder puff I began to make some really close friendships with the girls on the team," says Dedra. "I finally felt like I was starting to fit in."

Getting involved also helped Josh McCracken feel connected when he started school at Bethany Bible College in Sussex, New Brunswick (Canada). Josh, now a sophomore, says he met many other freshmen through some of the school's ministry and service programs.

Doing service projects really helped him get to know fellow ministry volunteers, Josh says. "It was a great way to find friends who were serious about their walk with Christ."

That's the main thing Josh was looking for in a friend. He wanted someone who shared his convictions and who would challenge him to grow in his relationship with God. He says he found this quality in some of the students he served with, but his closest friendship actually began a bit closer to home—or dorm, rather. Josh met AJ because he lived across the hall from him.

At first, Josh thought he and AJ were total opposites. AJ was into music. Josh was into sports. AJ had a girlfriend. Josh didn't. AJ was Canadian. Josh was American. But as they got to know each other, they found they had a lot of common dreams and passions. Both are pursuing full-time ministry. Josh wants to be a missionary, AJ a youth pastor.

Josh says he was drawn to AJ because his friend was genuine, honest and willing to be transparent. He saw these characteristics gradually as he spent more time with AJ.

Josh says it's important not to write off people because their personalities and interests are different from your own. For Josh, the most important thing was finding someone like AJ who was serious about spiritual growth.

During that first week as a college freshman, Katie Hughes had to force herself to be a part of the welcome activities.

"I actually didn't participate as much as I probably should have," admits Katie, who is now a junior at Westmont College in Santa Barbara, California. "It was hard. I just found myself longing for someone who already knew me."

Katie says she's far from aggressive in trying to get to know people. In fact, she says she has a bad habit of waiting for people to come to her, instead of reaching out to them.

But there was one thing Katie has never had to force herself to do: play basketball. She loves the sport.

"I don't know what I would've done if I hadn't had basketball," Katie says.

Being part of a team meant she had to get to know her fellow team members. Then there was the team retreat, which gave the girls an opportunity to build deeper relationships. It worked.

"The retreat really helped a lot," Katie says, "Everyone had a chance to tell her life story, and after each girl shared we could ask her questions. Anything was fair game."

Katie says she really appreciated getting to know her teammates on a deeper level. Even so, she still didn't start feeling like she fit in until the spring of her freshman year.

"For me, building relationships is a slow thing," says Katie. "I have to spend a lot of quality time with people to get to know them."

Will Peyke agrees with Katie about the time factor. Will, a senior at Calvary Bible College in Kansas City, Missouri, says it took him a while to get settled in, too. He found a couple of good friends right away, but says he really didn't feel truly connected with the campus community until near the end of the first semester.

During those early weeks of college, Will says, he spent too much time alone in his room studying. He admits he didn't have a very balanced life.

Fortunately, older students were working hard to draw him out. For instance, a resident assistant named Jason would often just stop by and talk to him. He'd ask how things were going and try to find out what was happening in Will's life.

"These older students took an interest in how I was doing," says Will. "They really helped me feel like I could fit in."

Like Will, many students discover they aren't on their own when it comes to friendship. There are often upperclassmen who'll reach out to you. You just need to be willing to come out of your shell and respond to these friendship opportunities. When you do, says Will, there's a good chance you'll start to feel like you fit in.

"I began to loosen up second semester," Will says. "I didn't want to be stuck in my room while all the other guys were having fun!"

Will, Dedra, Josh and Katie say they learned a lot about relationships during those first few months at college.

Dedra says her time at college has caused her to see the importance of reaching out to people who are different from her.

"I don't want to come across as thinking I'm better than anyone," says Dedra. "And that can happen if you only hang out with one group of people and aren't open to getting to know new people. I've tried not to judge people too quickly. Just because someone might have spiked hair and a tattoo, I shouldn't be afraid to talk to them."

At the same time, Dedra believes you still must be careful about how your friendships influence you—even at a Christian college.

"If you meet someone who's potentially a bad influence, invite them to come do something with your group of friends," Dedra advises. "Don't put yourself in bad situations by going to places where you don't feel comfortable. Invite them to come with you instead."

As for Will, he says he's discovered how important it is to be open and honest.

"Don't be afraid to make yourself a little bit vulnerable," Will encourages. "You have to open up if you want people to open up to you."

Of course, Will understands the importance of "small talk." If Jason and the other upperclassmen had started asking him very personal questions right away, he would have probably felt uncomfortable and avoided them. So Will says to keep the conversation light for a while. Then begin to open up slowly to a few close friends about personal issues and about your relationship with God.

"When you feel comfortable, share what you've been learning in your quiet time," Will says. "That's really been key for me because it establishes a level of accountability. And it can be so encouraging."

Ultimately, all four students say it's essential to remember that God is there in all your attempts to make friends.

"God knows your needs," says Will. "And he knows you need friends."

Copyright © 2003 by the author or Christianity Today International/Campus Life magazine.
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