Lessons from the Zoo | ChristianCollegeGuide.net

When I went on my first campus visit, I was struck by how much it was like going to the zoo. No, I didn't see any freshman boys hanging from trees or picking bugs off each other (although both are rumored to happen). And I didn't get any cotton candy. But there were definitely spots that smelled funny.

And honestly, a lot of the sights on a college tour are very much like peering into animal cages. The cafeteria is almost indistinguishable from a tiger cage at feeding time. And popping into a classroom reminds me of what I see every time I go see the polar bears—lots of closed eyes and drooling (but at least the students are slouched over desks and not giant beach balls).

The College Search Sloth moves only when necessary (and then very, very slowly). These specimens are spotted at the post office weeks after scholarship applications are due and visiting college campuses the day after high school graduation.

But now I realize that I was pretty animal-like too. I think there are many unfortunate traits we borrow from zoo animals in the college search. For instance, whenever I actually did anything for my college search (you know, like searching for a college), I'd proudly parade around like a peacock to show off to my parents. "Look at me," I'd announce. "I am the king of college searchers! Look at my pretty tail!"

There are other negative traits that college searchers can share with the animal kingdom. In fact, here are several college search animals to be on the lookout for:

When I think of antelope, I think about running. I don't mean running from antelope. That would just be silly because they're not meat-eaters and they're really fast.

I think of running because antelope do it all the time. And it's not to burn calories. They're actually really skittish. The slightest hint of a threat will set them off running. Usually, that's not a bad thing, since their options are often either: 1) run away, or 2) get eaten by a lion.

Lions aren't usually a threat to the college search. But still, the College Search Antelope is also very skittish and runs whenever something seems to threaten them. One mention of a school's high tuition and this antelope darts away to look at other schools. A glance at their ACT score causes them to hide under their bed until retirement age. Reading the requirements for admissions essays makes them scurry off across the Serengeti (or into the living room to play video games).

While an antelope's instincts can sometimes save the day, any good hound dog could tell these skittish runners that sometimes it's worth scouting out the situation more. Sniff around before making a decision. High costs can often be offset by scholarships and financial aid. Low test scores or grades are only part of your application, and you can explain the problem in other parts of the application. And with help from your parents—or one of those talking hound dogs—you can easily tackle those admission essays.

I think of the platypus as a pretty messy animal. Of course, I can't say for sure that they are actually untidy and dirty like my old roommate Jeff (Hey, Jeff!). Their burrows may be quite clean. But the platypus itself is just awfully disorganized. I mean, it has fur. But it's also got a bill and webbed feet. It's a mammal. But it lays eggs. It's like four animals in one! Talk about unorganized.

The College Search Duck-billed Platypus is much the same. He's not sure which end is his bill and which is his tail. He leaves handwritten notes about deadlines laying around in his room. He loses half-written essays in all the folders on his laptop. And the brochures for colleges he likes, colleges he doesn't like, and Chinese restaurants that closed years ago, all intermingle in various drawers, piles and burrows.

The platypus could learn a lot from lions (OK, not the chasing antelope part). Like most cats, lions are very meticulous about how they go about everyday things like grooming and hunting. They have a very organized system. Although I haven't yet seen this on a National Geographic TV special, I suspect they use clearly marked folders to keep track of application materials and a calendar to create a schedule of major deadlines.

The sloth has a slow digestive system and a low metabolic rate. This means he just doesn't have the energy to do much more than lie around. He only moves when necessary (and then very, very slowly). In the wild, many zoologists have actually mistaken sloths for couch potatoes because of their uncanny ability to sleep at all times. The telltale difference is that sloths' laziness is rarely because they stayed up playing video games.

Even with a normal stomach, the College Search Sloth moves only when necessary (and then very, very slowly). These specimens are those searchers spotted at the post office weeks after scholarship applications are due and visiting college campuses the day after high school graduation. Sure, they will eventually crawl onto a college campus, but will miss scholarships, the best financial aid packages and perhaps even their top schools.

The sloth would do well to follow in the footsteps of penguins (or just watch March of the Penguins to avoid all that walking). Penguins also don't move exceptionally fast, but if you've seen that documentary, you know they instinctually sense when it is time for a change and then move steadily and unswervingly toward their goal. Their systematic march toward a destination is a much better model than sitting around digesting.

These infamous birds are known to let other animals do the dirty work of killing prey and then they feast. Of course, I cannot really criticize these guys. I mean, I let McDonald's do all that hard work of frying and breading and then I strike.

This is also precisely what College Search Vultures do. They let others (read: their parents) do all the work while they circle above. Mom and Dad search for good schools and do all the paperwork. They find scholarships. And even set up college visits. Only when it is time to make the final decision do these vultures sweep in to do anything.

The College Search Parrot will do some work in the search, but it doesn't think for itself. It only repeats back information he or she hears from counselors, parents, and friends. "Man, I think you should go to the Captain Jack Sparrow School of Pirates," says Uncle George. And Polly repeats, "Man, I think I will go to the Captain Jack Sparrow School of Pirates!"

What parrots and vultures have in common is that they really don't own their search. They aren't actively and prayerfully involved in this major life decision, so they end up at a school others have chosen for them.

Mules are the opposite of vultures and parrots. They just won't listen to what anyone else says at all. Stubborn and obstinate, they just do their own thing. This too is a bad species in the college search.

In a way, it would be nice if you could combine the vulture and parrot with a mule. (Well, not literally. That would be weird. Like a platypus.) But a vulture-parrot-mule hybrid would be a college searcher who makes the search their own and does a lot of the work, but still listens to others' advice, help and suggestions.

I've never seen a ground squirrel riding on a plane or bus. Or carrying luggage. And now I know why. I just read that an average ground squirrel will never travel beyond a 150-yard radius of its burrow (that's right, I did research!). This could be because of a lack of frequent flyer miles. But I wonder if it isn't also a fear of venturing out into unknown territory.

This fear is what distinguishes the College Search Ground Squirrel, too. This animal rules out any school far from home just because it would be hard and scary. But college is the place to gain new independence and learn new responsibility. This time is all about pushing yourself to grow, stretching your thinking and expanding your horizons. Who knows where God may take you and how he may work? He often calls his children out of their comfort zones to try something new.

Maybe squirrels should talk to geese. These guys are famous travelers. They relocate each season, take on new things, and probably learn more about themselves. If ground squirrels hitched a ride with the geese (or just traveled farther than 150 yards), who knows what they could accomplish. I have visions of entire skyscrapers full of nuts and the election of the first squirrel president. But that's just me.

It is hard to tell what animal would be the best college searcher. Owls are wise. And dogs already have degrees (oh wait, that's pedigrees.) But what is important is to hunt down the negative zoo animal traits in your college search and make them extinct. Or at least endangered.